Dear Ndugu,

Last time I wrote to you, I may have mentioned Human Encyclopedia’s elephantine ways. I fear that I may have painted for you an entirely wrong picture of the man. I did not actually mean to say that H.E. is like an elephant—though he can do a pretty damn good imitation of one upon request. What I actually meant to say is that H.E. has a mind like a sieve? sponge, and if you ask him whether or not he has turned off a light in the other room, he will give you the biography and legacy of the great Thomas Edison.

What I forgot to mention to you about the knowledgeable Human Encyclopedia is that just the other day, while he was having an aneurism from yelling and shaking his fists so much at the Fox News Channel, H.E. became quite inspired to do more than just rant about men in power who cannot finish their sentences; Human Encyclopedia volunteered himself and me—yes, me—to help out at one of the next hopefuls’ presidential campaign.

Even if I were to further elaborate and tell you in what political party H.E. is a member, I suspect that you’d have absolutely no idea what I mean. I might as well tell you about the Little-Enders and the Big-Enders as well as anything else, and even that (and the Jerry Springer TV show) would make more sense to you.

TV, by the way, is a box with moving pictures, which is used as entertainment here. Sometimes, most especially on the show I just mentioned, the moving pictures are of double-wide residents throwing chairs and tantrums at each other, and many people seem to find that quite fascinating. Again, something you may or may not understand, being only six years old in a third world country, but it’s very close to worldwide wrestling or a political talk show.

No mind. I know you have far bigger concerns, like hunger and lack of good medicine. I enclose my usual check of $22, and a little extra, so you can buy yourself a nice treat. Now don’t go spending it all at once. According to some tax plans, you won’t get much back to help you out in times of need, and you won’t even get good health insurance. Sucks, huh?

Your friend,
April Schmidt

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