I had the misfortune of seeing ABC’s The Bachelor the first time around. Seeing the many women fawn over the one man sickened me, but it was like watching an accident; I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t even like the bachelor. I didn’t like his whiny voice, his sappy blank smile, or his seeming lack in personality or humor. I especially didn’t like that he was on this kind of TV show, thinking that he could find his ideal wife…
What is it about men and their egos? Two weeks ago, it was miniature golf. He said he would cream me, and as it was my first time playing, I believed he would. Well, I sucked, but I still beat him. One week ago, it was bowling. He was all fired up to slay me, and since I hadn’t been able to break 100 in the last two times I played, I believed he would. Well, he accurately said I…
Husband: You know how all these years, I’ve been promising and promising to take you some place special one day, and I never do? Wife: Yeah, so? Husband: Well, today I got us some tickets out of town for this weekend, and we’re finally going on our second honeymoon. How do you like that? Wife: Really? Where are we going? Husband: To the moon, Alice! To the moon! Wife: Oh, Ralph! [No, I’m not married. No, I’m not 50 years…
What she wants, I want. I want to actually use the French I’ve learned in school, live in Paris for a year, perhaps learn to cook there, and come home stylish and sophisticated—like Audrey Hepburn. I want to illustrate books and magazines for a living, and I want to sell original art and art prints on the side. I want a top-of-the-line PowerMac with everything on it, and I want to be able to pay for it all up front…
Human Encyclopedia never leaves me voice mail messages at work. Never. So when I discovered a voice mail message from him today, I was understandably concerned. H.E.: I was getting ready to go out and do my errands, and I heard this big kaboom-crunch, which is the distinctive sound that an airplane makes when it hits the ground. And then a couple of seconds later there was another kaboom-crunch. Same sound. I figured it was the kids slamming the dumpsters…